Break
By Chani
It’s over.
Ugghh. I didn’t mean to be that blunt. I mean, we’ve been through a lot, right? I feel like I owe you more than that. Or maybe I don’t.
Hell, maybe you don’t even want to hear it, maybe you don’t care, but I want to get it out. I want to tell you how I feel. What I’m thinking. Even if it’s just to make myself understand it all. The problem is that I don’t know where to start.
No, there isn’t anyone else. Not anyone specific anyway. I’m sure I’ll find someone to take your place, just as someone will probably take mine. But me and you…it’s just not going to work.
Please understand this isn’t about you. It’s about me. Geez, how cliché is that? The infamous ‘it’s me, not you’ speech.
Besides, it’s not true. It is you. And it’s me. We don’t fit anymore. Square pegs. Round holes. You know what I mean.
When our relationship…and we did have one, no matter what you believe…was new, it was so awesome. Every time I saw you, my heart skipped a beat. My stomach felt like it was doing cartwheels. I was so happy to be with you. I didn’t want it to end. And when we’d part, I couldn’t wait to see you again. I miss that. I miss us.
But all those good feelings are gone. Instead, every time I see you, I hurt. When I think about you, it hurts. I don’t like it. I don’t like the pain. There’s more bad than good with us now and it’s just not fun anymore.
I think it’s because we’ve both changed. Yeah, everything changes, but we’re going in different directions. Does that make any sense? It’s like we don’t see things the same way any more. Actually if that was all, it wouldn’t be so bad. But it’s worse than that. Much worse.
I don’t even understand you anymore, and I can’t even begin to figure out where you’re coming from. We both have a vision of what the future should be like, and even though we sometimes disagreed, we understood each other. Not now. I have no clue what you want or where you want to go or do, and when you explain it to me, I still can’t grasp it. It’s like we’re speaking different languages.
I know, I know. This has happened before, a couple of times. I got frustrated and angry and tried to end it, but I always came back. I was drawn to you. I still am.
But this time is different. Before, even through all my ranting and raving, I had hope. Hope that you weren’t so jaded that you couldn’t see past the surface of things. Hope that you weren’t so simple-minded and stubborn that you couldn’t open your mind to new possibilities instead of holding on so desperately to the beliefs you had when you were young. You started out believing that everything was black and white, but I thought you had started to understand how it really is…that most everything is gray. At least that’s how it seemed.
People tried to warn me. They told me that all of your subtle hints were lies. You never intended to change your outlook on life. You never intended to see things the way I see them, or even try to understand where I was coming from. But I kept defending you. Because I had hope. For you. For us.
But that hope is gone. You killed it. Crushed it. Our views on life…on love…hell, on everything…are too different. There’s no common ground anymore. I’m sure the people out there who have the same one-dimensional view of the world that you do will be happy. Overjoyed even. But I find your attitude condescending and sadistic. And I refuse to take it for one second longer.
That’s why it has to end. Right here. Right now. As much as I hate it, and as much as I don’t want to lose you, I have to end this. For my own sake. My own sanity.
I will miss you. I hope you know that. And maybe one day, after we’ve both had some space and time, we can be friends. Okay, not friends. But at least if I happen to see you at a friend’s house, I won’t feel like throwing a big bowl of rotten tomatoes at you.
I guess that’s it. It’s not as easy as it looks, you know. Making you leave. Uninviting you from my life.
It may look like I’m just pushing a button…changing a channel…but it’s really like closing a door. Right in your face. And it’s not nearly as enjoyable as I thought it would be. But it has to be done.
I wonder if Gilmore Girls is as good as they say…
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