As It Should Be
By Chani
Spike hefted the bag onto his shoulder and sighed. Glancing around the room, he realized that he felt just like the place looked. Destroyed.
This was wrong. So wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be…better. He worked so hard to fill the place up…to make it warm and homey. It was something he hadn’t had since he was human and he wanted it. No, he needed it. And now it was gone. Everything he worked for, everything he had longed for, was gone.
“Bugger this,” he muttered, heading up the ladder. It was time to cut his losses and move on.
Once he reached the upper level of the crypt, he saw that there was a surprise waiting for him. Well, he should have been surprised. But he wasn’t.
There she stood. The source of all his aggravation and pain. The woman he loved.
“Here to finish destroying the place, slayer?” He was shocked when she didn’t immediately come back with a snide response. Or an eye roll. Or a punch to his nose. “Well?”
“He’s gone. Riley, I mean.” If she had been expecting a response from him, she’d have been sorely disappointed. The blonde vampire just stood there, staring at her blankly. With a big duffle bag slung on his shoulder. “What’s that?”
He tilted his head a bit and smiled wryly. “It’s a bag, luv.” The look on her face almost made him reconsider the decision he had made earlier. Almost.
“You’re…I mean, yeah, I guess you’d need to find a new place to stay since-”
“I’m leaving Sunnydale.” Part of him was hoping for a reaction, but he immediately changed his mind when he got one. No anger. No sadness. Just that look. That same cold, dead, non-feeling look she had since she came back. Since her friends pulled her out of heaven. He closed his eyes briefly and sighed. This train of thought was not helping. “Look, luv. I think it’s best I go. I-”
“Because of the stupid evil scheme?” she asked him, then added hurriedly, “I didn’t come here to bust your chops about that. It’s just you. I should’ve remembered-”
Spike snorted. “That’s just it, luv. You don’t know jack about me, you just assume. I tried to tell you that those eggs-” He stopped, shaking his head. “Ya’ know what? I don’t owe you an explanation. Not like you’d listen anyway. I just-”
“You don’t have to leave because of this. I just came here to tell you-”
“That it’s over,” he finished. “Buffy…it never even started. Not for you anyway.”
She stood motionless. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She was the one who was supposed to break it off, to end it. For once, it was supposed to be her. She was the slayer. She was supposed to take the high ground. She was the one who stooped so low as to sleep with a vampire. A vampire with no soul.
“You think I don’t know why you never let me love you the way I wanted to? Why you didn’t let me treat you like I wanted to?” The words were rushing out of his mouth, and he had absolutely no control over them. “Luv, you look at me and all you see is an evil vampire with a chip in his head. A thing that’s not really capable of loving someone, or sacrificing for someone. But I was a fool. Love’s bitch till the bitter end. I thought if I let you use me, if I – no, I’m not gonna do this. No matter what I do, you could never see me. Not really. But, that’s just you. I should’ve known better.”
Buffy felt a lump form in her throat, but she still managed to choke out her question. “So you’re just leaving?”
He nodded. “You never let Niblet spend any time with me anymore. The rest of them…well, point is there’s really nothing here for me.”
As she watched him walk to the door, she knew she should be happy about this. He’d finally be gone. Out of her hair. Out of her life. But when he opened the door to leave, happy was definitely not what she was feeling. When he glanced back at her, she couldn’t help but wonder if he knew it, if he read it in her eyes. He had always read her like an open book. Why should now be any different?
“Take care of yourself, Buffy.” His eyes locked on hers. “I love you.” With that, he walked out of the crypt slowly, not turning back to look at her. Not even when he said, “Always.”
He knew, as he closed the door behind him, that she didn’t believe for a second that he wouldn’t come back. That she was standing there in the crypt staring at the door and telling herself that ol’ Spike was the thing that never left. He’d be there for her and her bloody gang to kick around forever. The slayer had gotten good at lying to herself, and he had no doubt that’s just what she was doing now.
Because the fact was, he was gone. It was over.
And regardless of what he chose to do with his unlife, regardless of what path he chose for himself, he wasn’t coming back.
Ever.