The Fifth Step
“Are you ready? Okay, I’ve got my notes here - “
“You need notes?”
“I didn’t want to forget anything, I don’t think it works if I miss anything major.”
“Like a spell? Got to say the whole incantation?”
“No, NOT like a spell. It’s NOTHING like a spell. It’s - taking responsibility. Catharsis. Saying it out loud makes it real.”
“Saying it out loud makes it real, but it’s nothing like a spell.”
“It’s not like a spell! It’s - telling someone else makes it real. So I hear it myself, I can’t pretend anymore.”
“Whatever you say.”
“Look, if you don’t want to do this, I-”
“Happy to. I’ve got all day. Take your time.”
“You’re sure. Because I can-”
“Do what you want, but I’m startin’ to nod off here.”
“Okay. Okay fine. I’m starting. Um, I was unfaithful to Oz.”
“Dog boy? You’re joking. You were pantin’ after him.”
“This was, um, I can’t explain it. With Xander. In your bed in fact. At the factory.”
“You were shagging the whelp in MY bed? Hope you changed the sheets at least.”
“We weren’t shagging, we were just kissing.”
“Christ, Red. If that’s the worst you can come up with I don’t see the point in this confessional.”
“I’m just getting started here. Anyway I wasn’t sleeping with Oz then either.”
“So the whelp got as far as dog boy did. Okay, that’s unfaithful.”
“That’s what Oz thought. But before that I tried a spell.”
“To make the whelp want you? I can see why you’re ashamed. Why you’d want Droopy Boy - “
“No, it was to make us not want. To de-lust. Anyway it didn’t work.”
“So you’re confessing that you were a sorry excuse for a witch?”
“No, my point is - look, I think I’m supposed to just tell you stuff without you running interference.”
“Just tryin’ to be helpful.”
“Well stop. Um, please. I do appreciate this.”
“Go on then. If I start to snore just poke me.”
“Okay. My point is, I didn’t just try to get a grip myself. If I didn’t want to get all physical with Xander I should have just not done it. Taken cold showers. Gone for long runs. Spent more time with Oz. Broken up with Oz if I really wanted Xander.”
“God forbid. I mean, the boy grows on one but it’s hard for me to imagine wanting him.”
“I’m sure he’d be relieved to hear you say that. But I didn’t do any of those things. I jumped to magic right away, the quick fix, the make-me-feel-different-without-doing-the-work fix. It didn’t even occur to me try to just control myself a little.”
“You were how old? A sixteen-year-old walking hormone bomb waiting to go off, right? Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m surprised you didn’t invite him in for a threesome.”
::pause::
“You okay?”
“Just inhaled my Coke, sorry. Imagining the look on Oz’ face.”
“Thought you knew more about musicians, Red.”
“Okay, Xander’s then.”
“Point. So that’s your confession? You tried a de-lusting spell and it didn’t work?”
“I tried a spell instead of trying to just have a little self-control.”
“Okay. Poor use of magic. I’ll give you that one. What’s next on your list?”
“Well, there’s a whole bunch of stuff really. Uh, making a little light-orb when Tara and I were searching the tunnels, instead of just bringing a flashlight. Searching the internet with magic when I had a laptop right there. That kind of stuff. Not bothering to get up to close the curtains when I can just say - uh, say “close” in Latin & wave my hand. So on.”
“This is all little stuff, Red. Cutting corners dealing with the physical world. Magic as remote control. It’ll make you fat and lazy, and sooner or later you’ll get careless and it’ll kill you, sure. But as evil goes the needle barely quivers. Now, what are you draggin’ your feet about telling me?”
“Uh. Okay. That spell that made you and Buffy fall in love. You know, when you were going to get married.”
“Oh yeah. Hey, that wasn’t all bad, Red.”
“Yes it was, and stop grinning. What I asked for was my will to be done. I wanted Oz to come back. Instead you and Buffy started planning a wedding, and Giles went blind, and Xander was nearly killed by demons. So the side effects were bad for a lot of people. Plus, what I was really trying to do was make Oz come back whether he wanted to or not. I didn’t care what he wanted or what was best for him.”
“You were out of your mind at the time of course.”
“But every time I go out of my mind I do the same thing. I try to use magic to make people do what I want them to do. Not what they want to do. Not what’s best for them. Like I’m the only person who’s got a right to decide.”
::pause::
“You’re not saying anything.”
“I’m impressed. Didn’t think you’d got nearly this far.”
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Since, since Tara left. I, uh, think that’s the main problem. I stopped wanting to help people. Or I didn’t stop, but I wanted my way, too. I want it more than I want to help anyone. And I’m not an awful person, at least I didn’t used to be, so what I want isn’t always going to be that bad, it might even be good. But it’s still what I want. I don’t care what they want. Nobody else gets a say. And here I’ve got the power to make them do whatever it is I want. It’s, it’s addictive. To have that power.”
“To make people do things. It is, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“So? That all?”
“Kind of. There’s more but it’s all the same kind of stuff, nothing really-”
“Thought the point was to tell me everything. Saying it out loud makes it real. All that.”
::pause::
“Cat got your tongue? Or you backing out? After I cleared my afternoon appointments for you, too.”
“Okay. I, uh, made Tara forget. We had a fight over how much magic I was using. And we never fight, and I just wanted things to be the way they used to be, and, it was an impulse. I just didn’t want her to be mad at me.”
“She find out?”
“Yeah. And I promised not to use magic for a week. To prove I could do it. And then as soon as she left the house I, uh, I got dressed by magic and then I cast another spell to make her forget again, and Buffy too. But it got out of control. That was the time everyone lost their memory.”
“You tried to cast a spell on Buffy?”
“Uh, yeah. So she’d forget heaven, and be happy again.”
::pause::
“Uh, Spike? You’re not saying anything.”
“You’re not going to do that again, are you.”
“But - I thought you’d kind of approve. That you’d want her to be happy.”
“I want Buffy to be Buffy. Herself. Take away her memories, doesn’t matter how happy it makes her, what’s left isn’t her. Didn’t Tara tell you that? That you’ve got to love the whole person? You can’t just make her into a blow-up doll to fit your fantasy.”
“You tell me. You’re the expert on blow-up dolls. Or wind-up.”
“At least I learn from my mistakes. And I can tell the difference between the doll and the real thing.”
“Okay. Okay. I get it, okay?”
“Just wanted to be sure you did. Thought that was the point of this. Admitting your wrongdoings.”
“That’s what I am doing, if you’d stop interrupting me.”
“Go ahead then. I’m all ears.”
“Okay, uh. What else. Um, after Tara left, I figured out how to turn Amy into a human again. And we went to the Bronze and made these irritating boys dance in cages in little furry loincloths, and changed the band around, and got everyone to wear these silly costumes and levitated some of them, and - “
“You’re beginning to smile, there, Red.”
“No, I - well, it was pretty funny.”
“What did everyone else think? The ones in the costumes and floating in the air?”
“Oh, I erased their memories afterwards so no harm done.”
“What did they think at the time?”
“They were - well, some of them looked pretty scared I guess, but - I mean I knew I was going to put everything back the way it was before so it didn’t really matter how they felt.”
“You could just steal a piece of their lives and it didn’t matter because they wouldn’t remember it afterwards?”
“Uh-”
“So if you’d had sex with one or two of them that wouldn’t matter either, since they wouldn’t remember?”
“Well, no! That would be-”
“Rape? So tell me, Red, how was what you did any different?”
“Look, don’t you go all morally superior on me! I’m not the serial killer here.”
“Yet, you mean. An’ I’m sure it’d be an accident the first time. Maybe the first few, even.”
“How DARE you-”
“Just want to make sure you see the road you’re on.”
“The road I WAS on. If I was. I’m not even-”
“Sure? Red, if you’re not even clear that taking away your lover’s mind is rape, be sure. Signposts every ten yards, that road. Only one way you could be goin’.”
“Well, you’d know.”
“Thought that was why you were talkin’ to me.”
“What?”
“Been there, done that. Right in there with the Big Bad. You prob’ly think not much you could say would shock me.”
“Well, I - uh, yeah. Pretty much.”
“You’re right about that, Red. And I’ll tell you another thing you prob’ly came here to hear. I’ve seen much worse than you.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me yet. Here’s something you don’t want to know. I haven’t seen worse than you could become, if you kept goin’ the way you are. Were. You’ve got a lot of power, an’ you’d stopped caring how you used it, who you used it on. Only one way it ever goes from there. Unless you stop cold.”
“Well - but that’s what I am doing.”
“Glad to hear it. Just wanted to warn you. In case you’re havin’ second thoughts.”
“Uh. Thanks. I guess.”
“Anything more you wanted to tell me?”
“Well, about Rack. He was the one that really - he gave me something that, I don’t know, I just wanted more, it was all I could think about, I just - and after that every time I used magic brought back the craving, and I just had to stop.”
“How’s that make you feel?”
“You’re sure you’re Spike? I can’t believe you asked me that.”
“It’s in the handbook. Right before “does that remind you of anything?” and “have you tried telling her that?”“
“Whatever. It makes me feel, uh, angry. Furious. Like if it weren’t for him I could still be using magic. It’s all his fault.”
“‘fraid of that.”
“What?”
“I was afraid you felt that way. Red, he did you a favour. That stuff he gave you, it’s an addiction, you’re right. But if it blew the whistle on your magic use for you, you should be saying thanks for him every morning in your prayers. Because people like you shouldn’t use magic anyway. The power is the real rush for you. And that’s what’ll lead you to the Big Bad. Pretty quick too. If Rack derailed that train, good for him.”
::pause::
“I think that’s way too harsh.”
“And you’re here because I’m famous for my tact.”
“No. I mean it. You’re wrong. I could have learned to control it, if it hadn’t been for Rack.”
“Whatever you say, Red.”
“I do say.”
::pause::
“Anyway. Then Rack happened, and a demon showed up, and Dawn got hurt, and-”
“How’d Rack happen?”
“I, uh, I went to him. But I didn’t know what was going to happen.”
“The first time.”
“Uh, yeah, the first time.”
“But you knew the second time.”
“Look, would you stop? I DID quit. I stopped cold turkey. It’s really hard. I’m really trying. You’re not giving me any credit at all.”
“Thought you wanted to face what you’d done wrong. Thought that was the point of this.”
“Well, yeah.”
“Helpin’ you do that. You do deserve credit for quitting. But I’m not helping you if I let you slide away from what you did before you quit.”
::pause:: “Okay.”
“Fine. So you went to Rack.”
“I went to Rack.”
“Now why’d the demon show up?”
“I - I called him, I guess.”
::pause::
“Okay, I know. I called him.”
“Right. And how’d Dawn get hurt?”
“Uh. I. Stole a car. And drove it by magic. I felt so powerful, like I could do anything. Nothing could hurt me. I remember I was laughing. But I forgot about her. About Dawn.”
“And what happened?”
“The car went into a - I drove into a pillar. And I didn’t get hurt. But Dawn’s arm got broken. And the demon was coming after us. If it hadn’t been for Buffy we would have been - I don’t know what we would have been.”
“Dead prob’ly. Hard to say. He might have only taken one of you.”
::pause::
“Which one?”
“How would I know? Myself, I’d’ve taken the one that was already bleeding.”
::pause::
“Thank God you showed up.”
“While you’re at it, you could try thanking me. Not that anyone ever does.”
“Oh, I’m sorry! I never even thought. Thanks.”
“Welcome.”
::pause::
“So that it? Confession done?”
“I think so. I quit the next day.”
“How you doin’ with that?”
“Could be lots worse. It’s nothing like as bad as the first week. Still it’s - I have to be on guard all the time.”
“See anything of the witch?”
::pause::
“No. That’s the hardest part. The one person I could have talked to, who would have helped me, and I…well. No point looking back.”
“No. No point.”
“Anyway. Thanks a lot for, for everything.”
“No problem.”
“I better go.”
::pause::
“Spike? You’ve seen a lot.”
“Mm?”
“Have you ever seen anyone like me - succeed? Quit? Not go down, uh, that road, the one you-”
“Oh. Yeah, sure. Once or twice. It’s hard work. Harder when they’ve got a lot of power to begin with.”
“Uh - do you think I can do it? Because I’m - there are days when I just don’t think I-”
“Yeah, you can do it, Red. You’ve got a lot of strength.”
“You mean that.”
“Of course.”
“Thanks. That, uh, that means a lot to me.”
“Let’s not get all touchy-feely now.”
“Well, uh. Thanks again.”
::pause::
::steps::
::sound of door closing::
“What can I say, Red. I’m famous for my tact.”