First Kiss, Last Kiss
Part 10 of the “Misunderstanding” series
By Karen U.
She found out. I’m not sure how, but she did. I didn’t know how to feel about that, about her knowing. I guess in some ways I was relieved. I no longer had to worry about her finding out, about slipping up and saying something - or doing something. Of course, she really did know now. I knew she would do something about it or say something to me. She isn’t the type of person who can just leave someone’s feelings in limbo like that. She loved Xander unrequited for so long. She could never allow someone to hold false hopes for her. I knew she would make a decision and I knew she would let her choice be known. I also knew what her decision would be.
I never expected her to leave Spike for me.
Does that surprise you? It shouldn’t. You see I’ve been here off and on for the past two months. I know I should have returned to LA permanently, but I just couldn’t. Seeing them together - I guess I’m a glutton for punishment.
He loves her. I can see it when he looks at her. I’ve never seen Spike look at anyone the way he looks at Willow. It’s like it’s not even him - his face changes completely. The hardness, the brashness is gone. All that’s left are his feelings for her.
She came to see me today, once she had made her choice. I could see the knowledge in her eyes when she looked at me. Her eyes have always been so expressive. I love her eyes. I could see the struggle in them as she tried to figure out what to say to me. I could see her feelings so clearly. She cares for me, but not enough. She doesn’t love me.
She loves him.
“It’s okay, Willow,” I whispered, my heart breaking a little more each time she looked at me with those sad eyes. “I understand.” She didn’t question how I knew what she was there to say. I guess she didn’t need to. I’m pretty sure that, for once, my emotions were easy to read.
“I don’t want to hurt you. It’s the last thing I want to do,” she said in this aching whisper.
“No, little one, it isn’t. The last thing you want to do is hurt Spike.” She sniffled, wiped a stray tear that had slipped from her eye to make its way down her cheek. My heart cracked just a little more. “God, Willow, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I know you didn’t want to hurt me. You would never intentionally hurt anyone.”
“Then what am I doing now?”
“You’re letting me go. You’re telling me that you can’t be with me. You love someone else.”
“Gosh and here I thought I hadn’t said anything yet,” she said in an attempt at humor.
“You don’t need to.”
“No - no, Angel, I do. I need to say something.” Her eyes implored me, begging me to stay and hear her out. How could I say no to her? So I stayed, knowing what was coming. “I care about you. I always have. I missed you when you were gone - when you lost your soul. God, how I missed you. I missed you when you went to LA, too. I hated that you were gone. You’re my friend, Angel, and you will always be my friend.”
“But you love Spike.”
“Yeah.”
She came closer to me then, and it was all I could do not to grab her and hold her to me. Just once. She lifted her hand - they’re so delicate, but I know there’s strength in them - and ran it down my cheek. When she drew back, I could see that it had come away wet. I hadn’t even realized I was crying.
Then she did something I never in a millions years would have expected.
Slowly, so slowly I could barely tell that she was moving at all, she leaned in toward me. I held an unneeded breath as she rose to her tiptoes. She kissed me.
It wasn’t much of a kiss; it was little more than our lips barely brushing against one another. But it meant so much to me. I think she knew it, too. I think that’s why she did it. To let me know that she cared, that she hated to hurt me. To say goodbye.
Yes, I’m leaving Sunnydale. There’s nothing holding me here; I can go back to my life in LA. I know she’s happy. I know she’s going to be okay. She has Spike and Buffy to protect her, she doesn’t need me.
So I stood there in the mansion, watching as Willow walked away, heading back to the life that awaits her. Heading back to the man she loves.
Back to Spike.
THE END