Entropy - Spike’s Story
She’s magnificent. Look at her, the way she twists and kicks. I think it’s the only time she feels alive, when she’s fighting and killing. Well, maybe not the only time. I’ll get her attention, shall I?
Oops, he’s got her down, hands heading for her throat. She can handle it. “How ya doin’?”
I keep the vamp dangling as I sit on the wall. “Same old, same old,” she answers.
“I could take care of this guy, if you want.”
“Whatever. Your call.” She has the upper hand now, or should I say the upper foot. Kicks him off her and sends him flying.
I’ve still got the other one in my hand. “Doesn’t look like much. But, I wager, he could give you a bit a nasty. Save you the stakeage. All you gotta do is...”
She gives me that cold, defiant look. “I am not telling my friends about us.”
Didn’t think it would work. But I’m getting tired of this. Right tired. “Right, I’ll just be droppin’ him down to you, then.”
“You want to tell them so badly, go ahead.” Oh, she’s getting cheeky. Like she’d ever let me tell them. And, the vamp dissolves in a cloud of dust. One down. “You know why? I tried to kill my friends last week, my sister. And you know how much they hate me? Zero.” Yeah, I’m sure there’s no residual resentment there. Pretend all you want, Slayer, but all’s not blood an’ peaches in Scoobieworld. “So I’m thinking, sleeping with you, they’ll deal.” Why not come clean, then? Tell them yourself. Because you know. You know your friends might not be the friends you want them to be. But there’s a man sitting on this wall who’ll take you for whoever you are.
She’s walking away. I’m not ready for that. So, off you go, little vamp. “In that case, why won’t you sleep with me again?” The vamp looks confused. Not half as confused as I am. Not a bit as confused as she is. His confusion doesn’t last long. Cloud a dust, and he’s gone.
Her business done, she turns and walks away. “Because, I don’t love you.”
Right. Say it to my face, then. “Like hell.” She can deny it all she wants, but I don’t believe her. I’ve felt too much from her, those moments of passion when she lets her guard down. Still, the words cut like a knife.
My heart leapt when she walked through my door. Have to admit it. But she’s all business, handing me this little hunk of black plastic and metal. Looks like some sort a video thingy. Then she stares at me, like I’m supposed ta know what it’s all about. “What’s this?”
“It’s a camera.”
I’m not stupid. “Yah, I got that part. Why am I holding it?”
She’s looking me straight in the eyes. “Someone’s been using it to spy on me. On my house. Xander thinks it’s you.” No. She can’t think...she couldn’t...
“Oh, the great Xander thinks so. Shudder, gasp, it must be true.” How can she look at me like that? How can she believe that stupid git? She looks like she wants an answer. The question is, what answer does she want?
“Spike.”
“That ponce has always had it for me. Every chance he gets he sticks it...” Damn it, she does believe him. After everything she’s been to me, after all the times I’ve been as close to her as a man can be, she still doesn’t trust me. Thinks I could do something so vile, so intrusive...
So I call her on it. “You believe him, don’t you? You think I’m spyin’ on you.” And there’s that stare. That cold ‘don’t touch my heart’ stare. But her eyes drop. Maybe she’s not so sure after all. “You think I could do that?”
“Because you don’t lie, or cheat, or steal, or manipulate.” A million reasons. She’s always got a million reasons. A million reasons not to see me for who I really am.
I hand the camera back. “I don’t hurt you.” And if she doesn’t get that, after all this time, maybe she is right. Maybe it is over. So I’ll walk away. Can’t look at her face anymore.
“I know.” I know? Did she just say that? She believes me? She knows what she means to me?
“No you don’t. I’ve tried to make it clear to you, but you won’t see it.” God, she’s so beautiful. “Something happened to me. The way I feel, about you.” Understand, Buffy. Please understand. “It’s different. And now matter how hard you try to convince yourself that it isn’t, it’s real.”
There’s something in her eyes. A softness I don’t usually see. A sadness. “I think it is.” She does know. She finally knows that I love her, truly love her. I let the hope swell up inside. “For you.” She turns and walks away again. I thought, for a second there, that I had her. That she was really going to let me in. She turns and looks back at me, the resignation returning to her face. “I know it’s not what you want to hear. I’m sorry. I really am. But, Spike, you have to move on. You have to get over...”
She didn’t get it. She didn’t get it at all. Like I could just turn off my feelings and let her go. Like she wasn’t the blood calling inside me. Like she wasn’t my heart and soul. I’m angry now. I’m sick of the knife twisting in my gut. “Get out!” She nods a bit. Her lips are pursed. If there is anything for me inside her, I think it’s locked up so tight that I’ll never see it. Not again. This pain is too deep.
When she was gone all those months, I could at least dream about what we could have had. Now I’ve tasted it, and it’s so sour in my mouth. I can’t deal with this anymore. It’ll drive me mad.
Open sign’s up on the Magic Box. The demon must be back in business. Maybe I can get something to help me there. She’s not alone; there’s a dark haired woman with her. Customer? Not that I care. “Hey. I need a thing.”
“So, what’s your pleasure?” That’s rich.
“Fresh out a pleasure. That’s why I’m here.” I nod to the other woman. She looks vaguely familiar. Maybe I saw her at the not quite a wedding. “I need something. Numbing spell, maybe.”
“Ah huh?” she smiles. “Hang on.” The other woman gets up and beats a hasty retreat. Anya seems happy about something. Guess business has been slow since she got back. Which reminds me that I’m gonna have to pay for this somehow. I’ll think about that later. They’re chattin’ at the door. I swear I know that girl from somewhere.
She wiggles her fingers at me. So familiar. “Good luck with that,” she calls. “Ta, ta.” Nope, can’t place the voice. She’s certainly perky. Not a bad view as she leaves, but not my type. Got one type now, and I can’t have it. Got to stop thinking about Buffy.
“Sorry to bust up the little girls’ night out.” Poor demon’s probably takin’ her happiness where she can find it. Doesn’t need a man getting in the way. Doubt men are her favorite creatures at the moment. But, she’s smiling. Actually seems glad to see me.
“That’s okay. I’m ready to do some business.” That’s always what made her most happy, I suppose. Right little capitalist.
“Right then. Got something that’ll dull the ache a bit?” She seems awfully happy.
“Actually, yes.” She walks behind the counter. “Giles left a couple of supplies here that I think just might help.” Ah, ol’ Rupes’ secret stock. Should be good strong magic then. Maybe there’s some hope after all. “Eases the hurt. Makes the sun shine just a little brighter.” Oh, right. Big help there. Though I guess that would be one solution. “Makes boring people seem more interesting.” She pulls it out and plops it on the counter. “Here.”
Ah, good ol’ Jack. Got me through many a long night last summer. I was thinkin’ of something a little more supernatural, but this could work. This could work just fine.
So, I’m tossing back the shots. So is she. Guess she needs the numbing as much as I do. Before I know it, I’m telling her my troubles. If anyone would understand, she would. Can’t hurt, if I don’t use Buffy’s name. “So then, this girl says, ‘Real for you...’ It feels so good to talk it out. Not good to keep thing bottled up. Now, Buffy, she’s the queen of...
“Right. But getting back to Xander.”
Okay, I know she has things to talk out too. But what she ever saw in him in the first place... “Xander. Let’s not waste any more breath on that wanker.”
“But he made a fool of me. And nobody seems to care enough to do anything.” Poor kid is hurtin’. Pain’s comin’ off her in waves. She must feel so alone.
“I care. What he done to you? I’d never stoop that low. And I’m an evil, soulless thing, accordin’ to some people.” I wouldn’t, either. Yeah, okay. Harmony. But I never asked her to marry me.
“Shouldn’t he pay? Don’t you wish he had to pay in some horrible way?”
“Absolutely.” I would too. Can’t stand the stupid prick. Half a Buffy’s problem is worrying ‘bout what that jerk would think. I should just tell him. Course, he’s stake me. Almost worth it for the look on his face. Might as well get more comfortable, so I walk over to the table to sit down. Looks to be a long night. “Take him on myself, if it wasn’t for my little handicap.”
But she sits down first. “So, hypothetically, what do you wish you could do to him?” That calls for another drink.
“You name it, pet. You’re the wronged party.” Strange. I think I’m enjoying myself. “Something gruesome, how ‘bout?” Yeah, this is fun. Tossing back drinks with a sympathetic friend. Thinkin’ a ways to eviscerate Harris. Did I say friend?
“The thing about it, is, none of this was my idea.” She’s getting testy now. “I didn’t ask to be human.”
“Right. And I didn’t ask for this bloody chip in my head.” Who knew we had so much in common?
“To tell you the truth, all I wanted was to use him and lose him. Hadn’t had a good tumble in a thousand years.”
“Me too. The using part. Just wanted to know what I was missing.” She doesn’t need the whole story. How I was so obsessed with the Slayer Dru left me. How I woke up one night, crying out in terror cause I knew I was in love. How mad it drove me, being around her but not bein’ with her. Naw, she doesn’t need to hear that. “Move on.”
“Yeah. And he was all bumpy, in the right places. And nice to me.”
“She was so raw. Never felt anything like it.” And now I’m thinkin’ about it again. All the things she did to me. All the ways she made me feel. All the ways I’ll never feel again.
“Next thing you know, I’m changing to please him.” This is almost eerie. Never knew we were so much alike. It’s like she’s been livin’ my life. “I care, if he cares.”
I can relate so well. “Right.”
“And I’m off my guard. Singing in the shower. Doing my sexy dance.”
“Exactly.” No, wait. “I have no dance.”
Anya’s on the table now. Wonder if she’s plannin’ on doing that sexy dance? She raises her glass in the air. “Screw ‘em”
“To the rafters.” Now that’s a toast. Damn Scoobies. How the hell did I ever get mixed up with them? I’m the Big Bad. William the Bloody.
She gags on the booze, I’ve noticed. Not quite like Buffy. Not so adorable. But cute. Have to admit it’s cute. “I did everything for that man. And was it was never enough?”
“Never. I was always goin’ above and beyond. I saved the Scoobies how many times? And I can’t stand the lot of you.”
“Me either. I hate us. Everybody’s so nice. Nobody says what’s on their minds.”
“You do.” She does, too. ‘Nother thing we have in common. “That’s why you’re the only one of them I wouldn’t bite, if I had the chance.” She’s beaming at that. Doesn’t hear nice things about herself much, I reckon.
“Really?” Her nose crinkles up a bit. Very cute.
“Absolutely. I have nothing but respect for a woman who’s forthright. Drusilla was always straightforward. Didn’t have a single buggering clue what was going on in front of her, but, she was straight about it. That was a virtue.” I made her laugh. Good. She needs it.
“Xander didn’t think so. He thought I was rude.”
“That’s because he’s one of them. Uptight. Repressed.” The lot of them walk around like they’ve got stakes up their asses. I’m gettin’ bloody sick of it.
“You think?” She has no confidence in herself. Damn that Harris. Messin’ up a lovely young woman. Breakin’ her heart.
“Please.” She looks so lost. “It’s no wonder they couldn’t deal with the likes of you and me, luv. We should have been dead hundreds of years ago. And we’re the only ones who are really alive.” She has lovely eyes. Never noticed them before. Deep and dark. Full of life. Passion.
Bottle’s empty. How did that happen? I’ll be a gentleman. “Here. Lady’s last.” She says ‘thank you’, but she isn’t taking the glass. “Take it quick, or my chivalry will run out.”
“No.” She grasps my hand. Hers is soft, warm. “Thank you.” I put down the glass. This isn’t about the drink. She’s so sweet, so vulnerable. “This is the first time since...it just feels good to with someone who understands.” She has no idea how good.
“Intimately.” It’s getting warm in here. Must be the Jack Daniels.
“This whole time I’ve been coming on all hell bent and mad. Wanting his head. You know?”
“Yeah.” I don’t feel angry anymore either. Not really.
“When really I...can’t sleep at night.” Such pain. “It has to be my fault, somehow.”
“Shhh.” Poor thing.
“What if it’s just pretending. What if he never wanted me?” How can she think that? Can she really think that? She’s so far out of Harris’ league. The bloody fool. “The way I wanted him.” She’s embarrassed now. “Ohhh, I’m sorry.”
I’m touching her forehead, fingers in her hair. “No.” My hand’s cupping her cheek. Her very soft cheek. “He would have to be more than just the git he is, Anya. He’d have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to want a woman like you.” God, she’s so beautiful. So gentle. So open. All her emotions, just lying there on the surface. How could a man not want her? Any man.
“Then why...?” Such a waste. Such a bloody stupid waste. And she doesn’t even see it.
“The two of them, they’re weak, is all.” She doesn’t mind it that I’m crying. All the regrets, all the pain. Not our fault. She’s so lovely. The curve of her cheek. “I’ll tell you one thing. They’ll miss the water now the well’s gone dry.” The softness of her lips. And those eyes.
As I tip her chin up with my finger, she knows what I’m going to do. “Too hot to handle.”
“Too hot.” There is nothing on my mind right now. Nothing but the need to kiss her. I move towards her, not quite believing this is happening.
“There’s just one question.” She’s going to stop me. Right. “Can I see your sexy dance?”
Didn’t expect that. The girl’s amazin’. “I’ll show you mine.” I’m right there. Lips almost meeting.
“Wait, oh wait.” Came to her senses. Shoulda known. “What are we doing?”
And suddenly, I know. It’s time. “Moving on.” Now we’re together, lip to lip, and nothing means anything but the moment. Deep, passionate, desperate. This feels so good. It feels so good to be wanted.
She pushes me away again. One more time and I’m leaving. “You know I’m only doing this because I’m lonely and drunk and you smell real good.”
“See. Forthright.” She does want me. Good enough. She tastes so good.
I’m undressing her now. She’s helping. I can’t think straight anymore. There’s only one thing I want, and I know she wants it too. Just clear off this table. Nice flat surface. I’m on her, I’m in her, and nothing else matters. To either of us.
But when I come, it feels so wrong. This is wrong. The wrong place, the wrong girl. What am I doing? It was good, yeah, but why does it bother me? Never used to bother me. And what is it doin’ to her?
So she fumbles back into her clothes. I never bothered to take mine off. Just do up my pants and my belt. What’s done is done. She won’t even make eye contact. Keeps her back to me as I leave without a word.
I turn back and she looks at me. Like she wants to say something, but can’t. I nod my head. Thank you. Sorry. Wish I could have helped.
I walk out the door. Last thing I expect to see is Xander swingin’ an axe at my head. When it sticks in the door frame, he grabs me and throws me to the ground. Against a pillar. Punching me in the gut. “Get up! Get up! You just going to sit there?” I’ve never seen him so angry. He’s going to kill me. I know it. He cracks my head against the pillar. “That the kind of man you are?”
“I’m not going to fight you. The chip.” I could put up my arms to defend myself, but why bother. Maybe it’s time.
“That’s too bad.” I look up to see the stake in his hand. So, this is it.
But Anya comes out and pulls him back. “Stop it. Xander, I...”
“Don’t even try to deny it.” How the hell did he find out, anyway. And now Buffy’s here too. Best night of my life. If Anya’d been a little slower stoppin’ him... “I saw it all. The whole beautiful show.”
“How?” She’s trying to explain it. Like the whelp deserves an explanation. “It was just a thing. I felt bad, and he was just there.” Thanks for the ego boost, Anya. Well, I said I liked forthright.
“Didn’t take long, did it?” Buffy is so cold. But why does she care? She told me to move on. I moved. Isn’t that what she wanted?
Xander and Anya are arguing. I can’t hear them. All I can see is that cold look in Buffy’s eyes.
“You let that evil, soulless thing touch you.” I heard that. “I look at you, and I feel sick. Cause you had sex with that.” Buffy is silent. Unreadable. Did I hurt her? I said I’d never hurt her. In for a penny, in for a pound.
“It’s good enough for Buffy.”
So now they know. And if she didn’t hate me before, Buffy does now. I nod to her. I surrender.
It’s over.