Came Back Wrong
“Willow, I need you to help me,” Buffy said. “I can’t go on this way.”
The redhead looked up from her bed at her friend. Buffy didn’t look desperate, in fact she seemed quite calm. “What’s the matter?” Willow asked.
Buffy sat down on the bed beside her. “I came back wrong.”
Willow shook her head. “No, you’re fine. Look at you. What do you mean?”
Her friend looked deep into her eyes. “Spike can hit me. He can’t hit any living creature, any human. He can beat the crap out of me. Ergo...”
“No,” Willow replied, “He loves you. You were sparring. He can hit you because he knows he really wouldn’t hurt you…”
Buffy stopped her. “He wants to hurt me. I want to hurt him. Hitting and kicking and abusing and insulting. Usually followed by incredibly wild, untamed sex.”
“Buffy!”
“Followed by more abuse. Always initiated by me. Always calculated to hurt him in the deepest way possible.” Buffy paused. “Does that sound ‘right’ to you?”
Willow put her hand on Buffy’s. “You’ve been through so much. You’ve been traumatized. You need help.”
“A psychiatrist?” Buffy laughed. “Yes Doctor, I was untimely ripped from heaven and forced to dig my way out of my own grave, and now I have regular sex with my former worst enemy. Oh, and did I mention that I’m the Slayer and he’s a vampire?” She caught Willow’s eyes in a glare. “And did I mention that it’s my best friend’s fault?”
Willow stared at her in horror. “Buffy, that’s not fair.”
“Life’s not fair, is it Willow? Not fair to you, not fair to Spike, sure as hell not fair to me.” She squeezed Willow’s hands in hers until the young woman winced in pain. “Send me back, or make me better, but fix me. I won’t be like this any more.”
Willow tried to pull away, but Buffy held her fast. “Buffy, I can’t. I don’t do magic anymore, not after what happened. I won’t.”
“Oh yes you will,” Buffy replied, digging her nails into Willow’s hand. “You owe me.” Suddenly she let go, staring at the little beads of blood from the wounds she had caused. “Please help me,” she whispered.
Willow rubbed the little cuts on her hands. “I want to help you, but...”
“It’s getting worse.” Buffy was pleading. “It started with feeling numb, feeling disconnected, but now I’m getting cruel. I don’t care about anything. Even Dawn.” She stood up and started pacing around the room. “The night Dawn broke her arm, I should have helped her, but I let Spike do it while I beat up the demon. Spike could have handled that. I should have stayed with my sister. But it feels better to fight. It feels better to kill.”
Willow dropped her eyes. “I know it’s my fault. I know I owe you. But Buffy, if I do this, it could be the end of me. Tara’s just starting to forgive me, and that will all go straight down the toilet. And I don’t know what I’m doing. I could make things worse. I could kill you.”
Buffy dropped to her knees beside the bed. “Please.”
“All right,” Willow agreed. “I’ll do it.”
“Willow, no!” Tara recoiled in horror from her former lover’s suggestion. “How could you even consider something this dark, something requiring this much power? Are you sure about her?”
“I don’t want to do this, Tara, but I don’t think we have any choice. We’re responsible, you, me, Xander, Anya. We brought her back, and we didn’t finish the job. The ritual was interrupted, the bowl was broken, and part of Buffy was left in heaven.” Willow was crying. “We left her humanity there. Please help me. If we don’t do something, she’ll go mad. Or worse.”
Tara touched her cheek. “This goes against everything I believe. But you’re right, it’s my fault too. I’ll help.”
Willow threw her arms around her. “Thank you. We need Xander and Anya too. We can’t let them know what it is we’re doing. Xander would never agree. Not if he knew what it could mean.”
Tara sighed. “That we could lose her forever.”
Spike opened his eyes to see Buffy standing beside his bed. “What do you want, Slayer? As if I didn’t know.” He threw back the sheets without enthusiasm. “Climb in.”
“Not tonight, Spike,” she said. “I came to say goodbye.”
The vampire’s face softened, and he reached for her. “Buffy, what…”
“I don’t belong here, Spike, not like this. You know that better than anyone. You said it, I came back wrong. Tonight I’m either coming back right, or I’m not coming back at all.” She sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m tired of hurting you. I’m tired of hurting everyone I used to care about. The Scoobies owe me. Tonight they’re repaying me.”
Spike covered her hand with his. “You said goodbye.”
“I figure this will end in one of two ways. I’ll get myself back together, and whatever attracted me to you will be gone. This will be over. Hopefully we can still be friends.” He cringed. “Or not. The other alternate, the more likely one I think, is that I’ll die. For good this time.”
Spike growled, a low painful noise in the back of his throat. “And if I don’t let this happen?” he asked.
She pulled her hand away. “Then everything you said about loving me was a lie.”
Buffy stepped into her sister’s room. “Dawn, I need you to go to Janice’s house tonight.”
Dawn looked up from her homework. “What? But you don’t like Janice. You said she was a bad influence.”
“Never mind,” Buffy replied, “I’ve called her parents and they’re expecting you. Get going.”
Dawn was confused. “I don’t understand.”
“I don’t need you to understand, I need you to go,” Buffy snapped. At Dawn’s look of shock her voice softened. “Trust me, okay? I need you to do this.” She kissed Dawn on the forehead. “I’ll always be your sister,” she said.
Dawn gathered her books in her arms and headed down the stairs. “You’ll explain later?” she asked.
“Later,” Buffy replied, taking one long last look at the girl she had died to save.
Buffy answered the door and let in Anya and Xander. “So what’s the deal?” her old friend asked Willow.
“It’s just a little clean-up on the resurrection spell we did. A little unfinished business.” She took Tara’s hand. “We all need to be here. No big deal. Just making sure everything’s hunky dory.”
Tara nodded in agreement. “Just a little spell maintenance. You know if it were anything major that I wouldn’t be here.”
Xander shrugged. “Okay, whatever. But if that’s the case,” he gestured to the vampire on the chair in the corner, “What’s he doing here?”
Spike forked his fingers at Xander. “You cut me out the first time. You’re bleedin’ not doing it again.”
“It’s my house.” Buffy said. “He can stay.”
Buffy lay down in the center of the living room, with her four friends sitting around her. Willow started the incantation. “Osiris, you who have returned the warrior, now bring back the woman. Complete what you have begun. Osiris, ruler of the dead, return the living from your kingdom. Complete what you have begun. Osiris, you who were brought back incomplete, complete what you have begun.”
She held out her hand and picked up a large knife. Tara pushed Willow’s hand away and held out her own. The witches’ eyes met, and they smiled. Willow dragged the knife across her lover’s palm, to Xander’s horror, and a trail of blood oozed from the hand. She tipped it and they watched it stain Buffy’s white bodice.
“Osiris,” Willow chanted, “consort of Isis, restore heart and soul to the warrior. Complete what you have begun.”
A golden light filled the room and glittered. It swirled around the ceiling and began to concentrate, becoming more and more dense until it centered on Buffy. Bathed in light, her body glowed with a vibrant orange, until the light suddenly went out. Buffy gasped. Then she smiled.
They all realized it had been a long time since they had seen their friend smile. Buffy sat up and embraced Willow, kissing her on the cheek. “Thank you. I’m me. All me. I know it know.”
She kissed Xander on the forehead. “I’m so happy for you. You and Anya are great together. I just wanted you to know that.”
Xander smiled back. “That wasn’t just some routine little spell, was it.”
“Not exactly,” Tara said.
Buffy lifted the young witch’s palm to her lips and kissed it. “Thank you. I know how hard this was for you. I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
“My choice,” Tara answered. “This is what magic is for.”
“So what the hell just happened?” Anya asked. “I take it we screwed up royally the first time.”
“It’s okay,” Buffy said. “Everything’s okay now. Hey, I’ll even wear burlap to the wedding if you still want it.”
“Thanks Buffy,” Anya replied, “But I’ve decided to go with chiffon.”
Buffy looked around the room. “Where’s Spike?” she asked.
Tara pointed to the kitchen. “I saw him go out the back door.”
“Excuse me, everybody. And thanks again.” She hurried through the kitchen and out onto the porch. The vampire was sitting on the steps, crying. Buffy put her hand on his shoulder.
“Spike?”
He wiped his eyes. “I’m glad you’re all right. I was afraid, you know?” He looked up at her. “Why aren’t you in there with your mates? I really don’t want to hear the let’s be friends speech at the moment, if it’s all the same to you.”
“I don’t want to be friends,” said Buffy, sitting beside him on the porch.
“I knew it,” he replied coldly.
“Here’s the deal,” Buffy said, taking his hand and pressing it against her lips. “You don’t get to hit me any more, and I get to love you.”
“What?”
“I thought vampires were supposed to have such great hearing,” Buffy said, snuggling against him.
“Are you telling me…”
“That I love you?” She kissed him softly on the lips. “Big time.”
He put his arm around her shoulder, and they sat quietly looking into the night sky. Together.